Saturday, December 20, 2003

A Rail Waste

The other day my mum and I caught the train from Taunton to Plymouth. (I believe the service had come from Bristol and was ultimately heading for Penzance). For a train making a considerable journey I was surprised to find it was one of these '2 carriage' numbers which seem to be sadly preferred by the rail operators of recent times. Although I am touching on a wider issue which needs addressing, for the purposes of this blog, it simply meant that when we got thirsty there was no buffet.

Then, like an angel sent from Heaven's Nescafe department, an old bag with a drinks trolley boarded at Exeter. Relief.

We ordered 2 coffees and a Kit Kat to share (4 fingered). At this stage you'd be right in thinking that the train got to Plymouth quicker than it's taking me to get to the point, but please bear with me.

Without asking if myself or mum took sugar, or wanted black or white coffee, Mrs Trolley proceeded to dish out two cartons of UHT whitener and two sachets of demerera to both of us.
As it happens we both take milk and sugar, but that ain't the point.

Let's say there were 80 people on the train. If just half of them ordered coffee, and each were given 2 milks and 2 sugars, that's 80 sugars and 80 milks given out. If half those people don't take sugar then that's 40 sugars gone to waste, if a further quarter of those people drink their coffee black then that's 20 wasted milks.

Let's say that every sachet of sugar and each pot of UHT costs the rail operator 0.5 pence. That's 60 wasted x 0.5 = 30 pence wasted from one trolley's trip up one train. Let's say Mrs Refreshment went up and down with her beverage bonanza a further 2 times before the train got to Penzance, that's 90p. Then let's round it up to a quid.

Then let's multiply that pound by the number of trains travelling round Britain on Wednesday. That's a chuff-chuff-chuffing lot of pounds.

Then let's take a moment to consider why they're putting train fares up again in the New Year.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

The Eurovisionest

Braindead today, writer's block.
Instead, behold the lyrics to this years Eurovision entry from Austria:

"Man is the measure of all things
I like most animals on this earth
But I really prefer little rabbits and bears
Soon all birds and beetles will die
But Adam's in bed with Eve busy reproducing
Rabbits live in the woods
Cats in the meadows
And cockroaches
Live under tiles
Little rabbits have short noses
And kittens soft paws
And Mother Holle likes her wool
From the african dromedary
The difference between animals such as apes and primates
Is no bigger than between noodles and pasta
But whoever wants to know more about animals should study Biology or
inform himself on my homepage
Some animals have wings
And others have fins
Some live outdoors
And others in cans"

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Monday, December 15, 2003

A Festive Thought

Why do some words only appear at Christmas? Any other time of year you can buy a box of biscuits, a packet of mints or a selection of cheeses. Yet as soon as it hits mid-November, everything is an 'assortment'.

"I'm going to have roast turkey and all the trimmings" I hate that expression. People continuously spout it around at Christmas. If you ask them what it means they blankly reply - "it's those bacon and sausage things". I'm sure it isn't, (surely it must refer to more than that?), but that's my point, no one really knows! Don't flaunt a irritating statement you don't understand! It'd be brilliant to serve them up a plate of turkey and some hedge cuttings.

Worst still is the culinary catch phrase ''slap up''. "I'm going to have a slap up meal of roast turkey and all the trimmings" No you're not, because I'm going to gag you, lock you in a sound-proof wardrobe, then steal your favourite curtains. Shut up.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

In The Midnight Hour, He Cried "Moore Moore Moore"

Apparently Demi Moore’s fella Ashton Kutcher is my age (25), and she is 41 years old!!

Doesn’t Demi realise that she is depriving the poor lad of the best years of his life?

For Christ’s sake - whilst most chaps my age are playing computer games and staying in on a week night to watch the football, this under-privileged soul is whiling away the hours shagging Demi Moore!

I bet he’s never even blogged! What a saddo.

Monday, December 08, 2003

Crap Crap Crap Crap Crap Crap Crap ITV

I know I moan a lot, (probably because it's such fun). I also appreciate that a lot of my moaning is both unfounded and opinionated. However - if there are two things that I know about, it's journalism (in which I have a degree) and Southampton football club (with whom I am in love). Therefore today I present a justified whinge, and once again it is about ITV bloody news.

Yesterday evening ITV news reported on Southampton's game with Charlton. The 30 second report contained not one, not two, but THREE glaring mistakes.

1. ITV: "Michael Svensson opens the scoring for Saints with a header"

This was voiced-over a clip of Michael Svensson kicking the ball into the net!!

2. ITV: "Brett Ormerod scored his first goal of the season."

Wrong. Brett Ormerod scored his first LEAGUE goal of the season. He already has one goal this season, against Bristol City in the Carling Cup.

3. ITV: "Southampton secured their first win in 4 league games."

I wish. We actually haven't won in EIGHT league games.

It is just basic journalistic practice - check your facts before you publish. You wouldn't expect a local rag to get three things wrong in a short report - let alone a national television station. It is an absolute disgrace.

Trevor 'overrated, boring, wooden' MacDonald is supposed to be guest presenter on Have I Got News For You next Friday. Apparently this is subject to his personality implant being a success. It is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon.

As for 'Record of the Year' don't get me started. I hate ITV.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

A Mug's Game

Rob bet me £50 that I will get my hair cut before him. I am determined to prove him wrong.

This does mean that I currently have about 13 weeks growth on my Barnet (and as much as I admire the early-nineties television work of tweed-wearing science buff Howard Stableford, it doesn't mean I'm entirely comfortable looking like the pillock.)

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Here’s looking at you

Inspired by Pencil’s look-alikes I have been thinking back to the ridiculous amount of time I have sat in pubs playing ‘the lovechild game’. For those unfamiliar - this is when; across a crowded pub someone will be inspired to shout “My God! – he looks like the lovechild of Grover off Sesame Street and Michael Buerk!” This provokes one of two responses – Either a round of applause and wholehearted agreement, or “What the fuck are you talking about? He looks more like the lovechild of Sebastian Coe and Wincy Willis”

I reckon that years of practising this has made me become a top-notch face-comparer. The amount of times I’m watching telly and someone says “Cor! – who does she look like?” I can usually spot the link.

The best thing about it is that these days, though I can’t always remember the names of people who I used to know, they have instead become ‘that chap who looked like Vera Duckworth’s mum’s shed’ or ‘an unstable version of the lead singer of Let Loose’.

The worst thing about it is that people used to approach me in pubs with their own observations. Blokes used to ask me if I was Michael Schumacher (grrrr, cars), girls used to say I looked like Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block (cute apparently). I am now too fat to look like either.

I’m a gonna ween

The week I have been mostly playing ‘Mario Kart - Double Dash’ on my lovely Game Cube. When I was a kid I didn’t realise that people spent all their spare time doing things like that when they got past big school.

Maybe they don’t and I shouldn’t be - but it’s brill so I am.

If we used to think Ivan resembled (a thin) Wario, then trust me - he is the absolute spit of the evil plumber’s brother Waluigi.

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