Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
I was in the queue at the cashpoint.
“Can you spare any change mate?”
Literally moments earlier I had barely managed to scrape enough change together in 5p pieces for the parking meter.
I didn’t ignore him, I didn’t fob him off, I remained sympathetic to his desperation. I told the truth.
“I’m afraid not mate, sorry.”
There was a short pause before he began muttering. It was just a noise at first. I paid no attention and continued speaking to my friend. Then it became louder, confrontational and offensive…
“You think you’re so much better than me. I hope you’ve got nothing one day. I hope you find out how it feels to be in the gutter. I hope your children starve because you can’t provide for them. Don’t expect anything from me when you hit the bottom.”
I walked away.
When I returned to my car that evening he was still there. I had change in my wallet. I reminded him what he had said to me. I gave him a pound.
Friday, January 21, 2005
The Friday Fuckwit!
#29 Michael Fenton-Stevens
Posh, Nondescript, He-Gets-Chuffin’-Everywhere Fuckwit
Michael’s list of showbiz credits is impressive, there is no denying that. But then again he was bound to hit the jackpot a couple of times as he does appear to accept absolutely every part that his agent offers him. My problem with him is this, for every 3 good things he has done in recent years, he seems to have outweighed it by doing something so irritating that I want to have him hurt.
You see, whilst I remember MFS as being quite funny as Martin Brown on KYTV in the early nineties, whilst I know he was part of the team who produced the acclaimed Radio-Active on Radio4 in the mid-eighties and whilst I appreciate that he currently has a part in the award-winning Nighty Night - he has popped-up in every other fucking TV show ever made!
And he’s always cast as a posh, middle-class nit. For example, a middle-class nit of a game-show host in ‘Coronation St’, a sporty middle-class nit in ‘Trevor’s World of Sport’, a political middle-class nit in ‘My Dad’s the Prime Minister’ AND his ultimate sin - that bloody car insurance ad!
It was repulsive. Michael portrayed a posh, middle-class nit of a father who excitedly ran up the stairs to his son’s bedroom asking you if you’d ever used the internet. He then double-excitedly told you about the wondrous insurance quote he’d got online. He’d have needed insurance had I got hold of him, and not for his car.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
More Eastend Secrets!
Since yesterday's revelation it's occurred to me that there were two other 'secrets' about Eastenders that had passed me by.
These are glaringly obvious and whilst loads of you backed me up yesterday - I imagine that today I'm on my own and am about to appear daft and slow on the uptake!
1. Sharon's club is called 'Angie's Den' - I always thought this was in tribute to her mum, Angie. It was only after the reincarnation of Dirty Den that I realised the club was named after both her parents. That one must have taken me about 12 months to pick up on.
2. The pub is 'The Queen Victoria' and it's in 'Albert' Square. Victoria and Albert. That one took me about 12 years.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
She’s Gary Oldman’s Sister!!!!
Really! Mo from Eastenders!
The real Gary Oldman!
But people of Blogland - I need to know whether you knew this already.
Please tell me whether I have been alone in not knowing this. I’m beginning to think the world is keeping secrets from me.
I found out last Thursday. I was staggered and couldn’t wait to share my awesome bit of ‘not many people know that’ trivia with the rest of the world.
So far I have attempted to amaze 4 different groups of people with my fascinating fact and each time I have been cut-down by the following response:
Crumb: “You know Mo off Eastenders?”
Others: “Which one? The little one or Gary Oldman’s sister?”
Gary Oldman. THE Gary Oldman. The Gary Oldman from films and stuff. This is his sister, she’s in Eastenders. Did you know that?
p.s. If you have no idea who she is, that counts as a ‘no’ vote, which will go a long way to making me feel better…
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
The blink of an eye
Every evening from now on I will be sitting alone, in silence, in a field.
It makes sense you see. I need to prolong my life and I reckon this will do the trick.
It’s fair to say that the average person spends a lot of their life trying to make themselves as comfortable as possible.
I mean, we grasp opportunities to spend time with our favourite people, to watch our favourite TV shows and films, we listen to our favourite music and in our spare time we go to our favourite places whenever we get the chance.
This is all in an effort to make our lives more enjoyable, more entertaining. It stops us getting bored because our minds are occupied.
But also it means that time flies by almost unnoticed. Can you believe it’s the 18th already?!
This morning I found myself looking forward to my planned trip to France on 20th March.
“I can’t wait! Only 9 weeks!” I thought momentarily before my sensible side pointed out that I should not wish my life away.
Those 9 weeks are too precious to wish away Crumb lad, far too precious.
Monday, January 17, 2005
hangovers can strike at anytime
Sunday am. Dozing. Begin playing with zip of sleeping bag. Realise it makes the funniest noise I've ever heard. Contemplate whether it is the funniest thing in the world. Decide that it probably is. Spend the next 15 minutes making myself titter by zipping it up & down at a variety of speeds.
Tried it again this morning with my coat. Didn't have the same effect.
That's the wonderful thing about hangovers. Everyting is a little bit funnier. The world is better place to live in when I have a hangover from hell. In fact, I reckon that Sunday morning hangover time has the capability to be on a par with, maybe even more entertaining than the night out itself.
Had one of the best sort of hangovers yesterday. The type that came after a great night out. The type where when you are with lots of like-minded people (some of whom may or may not be in their pants), crammed into a room with an excellent fry-up and recollections of the night before.
Okay, so I had a industrial-strength headache which survived 8 pain killers, 5 pints of water, 2 coffees and a cup of tea, but what the heck. Every now and then you have a weekend like the one I've just had. The kind of weekend that you look forward to for ages and then when it's finished you keep thinking of silly things that happened and you laugh to yourself whilst wishing it hadn't finished...oh hang on, I sold the rights to that post to PPQ
Friday, January 14, 2005
The Friday Fuckwit!
#28 Linda Barker’s Little Anonymous Friend
Smug, Goody-2-Shoes, Achieving the Impossible Fuckwit
Everybody hates Barker don’t they? I know I’ve particularly despised the screechy old twat for years. But now I’m over that, I can block her out. I can ignore her absurd scissoring gestures and demented grin. Now I’m turning on her mate.
I felt sorry for Anon lady at first. Imagine being selected to front an advertising campaign for one of the UK’s biggest electrical retailers, and then finding out your role is going to be playing ‘straight man’ to Linda ‘the prick’ Barker! She must have been gutted! However, my sympathy quickly wore off when, for some unidentifiable reason she began to piss me off. I think it was when they began to build her part up, did you see her dancing with that row of Santas? Nauseatingly unnatural.
God knows how long this advertising campaign is going to run for but it has been going for well over a year now. If this woman is aspiring to have any sort of career in, well anything, shouldn’t she have moved on by now? Remaining in showbiz is out for a start - you’re only going to get type-cast love, the only role suited to you would be as Walter the Softy’s sister in the Dennis the Menace movie that I’ve just made up.
But not only does drab, small lady irritate me for being smugger than Smuggy the Smuggler, she is also guilty of missing a tremendous opportunity to pop Barker off and ridding the world of her awfulness. So Anon lady – there’s still time to lose the Fuckwit label and become savior of the planet! The next time you’re advertising a freezer, push the squawking berk in and lock the door.
In the following picture we can see Anon all too briefly considering to set Barker on fire.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Three mini posts...
1. This morning I cut myself shaving, not on the razor mind you, on the razor’s packaging. Yes folks, whilst attempting to rip open the plastic box containing my new de-bearder I managed to lacerate my finger. Please feel free to laugh and point at me.
2. A big hello to Cherryripe at b!tchin' desktop distractions who appears to have classified my blog under the heading ‘laughter’ on a handy links page. This is a bit of a result for me as many would say this blog is about as funny as drowning in a vat of weasel spunk.
3. Was about Danny John Jules (Red Dwarf, Maid Marian and her Merry Men) but has had to removed due to the data protection act.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
The agony of choice
TV? Bollocks more like.
Whenever I want to just slump in front of ‘the box’ I may as well slump in front of a packing case. There’s never anything good on. I only have terrestrial TV, and can’t even receive Channel 5.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. I had felt a bit knackered so was in bed by about 11 but once I was there I'd have had about as much success as if I had been trying to nail a jelly to the ceiling.
After lying awake getting increasingly cross with my inability to nod-off I finally succumbed to the lure of the remote control on the bedside table. Without the possibility of watching gratuitous nudity on Channel 5 I wasn’t hoping for anything more than a repeat of Today with Des & Mel.
But by Jiminy was I in for a shock! Low and behold there was something I could quite happily watch on all 4 terrestrial channels. All 4! At 11.45pm on a Monday!
I bet that I turn on prime-time TV this evening and am faced with about as much choice as Old Mother Hubbard’s dog during the week in lent that she forgot to pick up her groceries.
Friday, January 07, 2005
The Friday Fuckwit(s)!
#27 all those with ‘hilarious’ nicknames who phone Radio 2
Traffic-updating, Anonymous, Uncreative Fuckwits
Possibly a hypocritical post given most of us have a blogging alias but what the heck…
Some folks have a radio station of choice that they listen to every day. I don’t. Some evenings I might fancy news so I’ll opt for BBC 5 Live. If I’m feeling particularly out of touch with people younger than me I attempt to listen to Radio 1 for as long as I can tolerate. Other nights I might want some decent older tunes so I have a bit of a Virgin drive-time, yeah baby.
But more often than not I channel hop all the way home and occasionally have the misfortune to stumble across the traffic updates on Johnnie Walkers drive-time slot on radio 2.
“The M6 northbound is slow-going around junction 4. Thanks to Slippy, John the Butcher and Mr Wind for that update”
Oh yeah. Tossers.
“Toadstool called from the M27 Westbound where there has been an accident”
No, ‘Toadstool’ IS the accident.
Why do these people bother? Okay, if your having a bad journey it’s very commendable to warn other road-users to avoid queues and snarl-ups, but why do they provide these inane aliases? Are they supposed to be funny?
Mr A “I was on the radio the other day”
Mr B “Were you?”
Mr A “Yeah, on Johnnie Walker’s programme”
Mr B “Oh, I listen to Johnnie Walker every day, I didn’t hear you”
Mr A “Ah, that’s because for my minute of fame I decided to use the nickname “The Undertaker”
Mr B “Why was that then? You’re not an Undertaker”
Mr A “No, but people used to call me The Undertaker”
Mr B “No they didn’t”
Mr A “Well okay, but it was a cool name and a little bit zany”
Mr B “Was it?”
Mr A “Yeah!”
Mr B “Oh.”
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
"High street retailers report record numbers of shoppers flocking to the January Sales!"
Are you saying that anybody who has been to a shop since Christmas is a 'shopper'?
I've been to the January sales. I rather resent being categorised as a 'shopper'. It makes me sound like I have an uncontrollable addiction. I only bought a towel and a CD. I'm hardly hooked on retail.
Everyone goes to shops don't they? (Unless they're self-sufficient like Tom and Barbara out of The Good Life.) Most people need food and stuff like that. You'd probably die if you didn't go and buy some from time to time, or at least get exceptionally hungry. I suppose that makes us 'eaters'.
"Eaters say being hungry is rubbish"
Or how about:
"Breathers claim air is good for the lungs"
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
typical lazy bloke
As I sodded off for the whole of December I thought I'd share a festive thought or two with you this week. Okay? Good.
Most of the girls in my office looked at me with a 'typical lazy bloke - can't be arsed' kind of look when I announced to them on Christmas Eve that they would not be receiving Christmas cards from me this year.
I posted lots of cards to family, friends and even former colleagues who I was not going to see over Christmas. However I decided that this year I am very much of the 'what's the bloody point in going out and spending a wad of cash on 3 dozen Christmas cards to hand out to the people you sit next to at work and can just say it to' school of thought.
Mrs Colleague #1: "You mean you forgot to buy cards!!?"
Crumb: "No, I mean I don't see the bastarding point of giving you some written confirmation of my seasons greetings when I'm going to see you on Christmas Eve and I can just bloody well say it to you"
Mrs Colleague #2: "Typical lazy bloke"
Crumb: "Dry your eyes love"
I did feel a bit of a Scrooge though, so I told them all that it was my intention to give the money I would have spent on Christmas cards in a charity box. It was definitely my intention to do so, but I am (very) ashamed to confess that my lazy, selfish, 'already-spent-too-much-this-year' mind immediately doubted whether or not I would actually get around to donating. Had I done so, it would probably have only been to make me feel better about myself - surely the most bloody awful reason going?
Maybe my female colleagues are right, maybe I am a 'typical lazy bloke'.
And then what happened on Boxing Day happened. Images and reports of such unimaginable, unquantifiable loss and suffering made me realise that I had been acting like a self-centred wanker.
http://dec.org.uk - if you haven't done it yet, do it now.